Trumpcoin: The Donald on the blockchain

Wednesday 13 April 2016

Donald Trump has announced he is launching a new crypto initiative. So what do we actually know about Trumpcoin?

Note: at the time of writing I was unaware that someone really had launched a Trumpcoin. I guess great minds think alike...

A bold new move by the Republican frontrunner will Make America Great - maybe greater than ever before - and every native-born American (not the same as a native American) rich. Details are thin on the ground but BitScan has managed to glean the following information.

Trump

I promise you, the pre-mine will not be dumped

  1. It will have a market cap of at least $10 billion. Guaranteed. Forbes has claimed that the true value of Trumpcoin is actually closer to $4.5 billion, something Donald strenuously denies. ‘I’m running for President,’ he convincingly argues. ‘I’m worth much more than you have me down for. I don’t look good, to be honest. I mean, I look better if I’m worth $10 billion than if I’m worth $4 billion.’ Sounds legit.
  2. It will be a homegrown American crypto coin, born and mined in good ol’ US of A. Unlike Obamacoin, which was made in Kenya and spent its early proof-of-work phase in Indonesia. ‘He said he was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia… Now they’re saying it was a mistake. Just like his Kenyan grandmother said he was born in Kenya, and she pointed down the road to the hospital, and after people started screaming at her she said, ‘Oh, I mean Hawaii.’ Give me a break.”’
  3. Mexicans will not be permitted to use Trumpcoin. Trumpcoin has been created to make America great again, and in order to prevent its abuse by drug-addicted thieves Donald has committed to building a ‘great, great firewall’ along the Mexican border. The Mexicans will pay for the firewall. Nice Mexicans who play by the rules might be allowed to use it. ‘We're going to do a wall; we're going to have a big, fat beautiful door on the wall; we're going to have people come in, but they're going to come in legally.’
  4. Trumpcoin will use a proof-of-work consensus. This may be inefficient and environmentally unsustainable, but it doesn’t matter because climate change is a fiction and anyway, just look at the weather. ‘It's freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming.’
  5. It won’t be used for money laundering or terrorism. Donald will be talking to industry bosses about ‘that internet’ and getting them to close up the bits of it ISIS like to hang out in. ‘We have to go see Bill Gates and a lot of different people that really understand what’s happening. We have to talk to them about, maybe in certain areas, closing that Internet up in some way. Somebody will say, ‘Oh freedom of speech, freedom of speech.’ These are foolish people. We have a lot of foolish people.’
  6. It won’t get dumped by the Chinese, despite the fact that China ‘dumps everything that they have over here’. A punitive levy will be exacted on Chinese Trumpcoin transactions or, to put it Donald’s way, ‘Listen, you motherf*****s, we're going to tax you 25 per cent.’
  7. It's a joke. Nuff said.

comments powered by Disqus